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consulting-celiac-in-the-tardis · 5 years ago

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30+ Simple to Surprising Suggestions That Won't Cure Celiac Disease

New blog post! One of the very first things my doctor told me after my celiac disease was this: "Right now, there is no celiac disease cure...you can only manage your symptoms by sticking to a strict gluten free diet." And yet, over six years after that moment, I still regularly bump into people who say that they "used" to have celiac disease.

Yeah. The phrase "used to" boggles my mind just as much as it does yours! But thinking about these "past" celiacs (as well as this awesome post from Carb Counting Mama about mythical "cures" for Type 1 Diabetes) got me curious. I found myself asking: what are some of the most common "cures" that are suggested to people with celiac disease like me? And, even better, what are some of the weirdest? So I scoured gluten free Facebook support groups, Reddit and Quora threads, and polled my own Insta followers...and here's what I came up with! Keep in mind...as I wrote above, there is presently NO celiac disease cure (though there are some cures being tested in various research studies). All the celiac disease "cures" are listed below solely for entertainment purposes, as well as in hopes that they will serve as a reminder to take other people's advice - especially about your health! - with a grain of salt.

Let's begin with three of the MOST common incorrect celiac disease "cures":

1. You need to go gluten free to heal the intestinal damage initially caused by celiac disease...but once your antibodies test at a "normal" level, you're cured and can eat whatever you want! Cue the booing audience soundtrack, because this is definitely very false! Yes, you will test negative for celiac disease and not show any intestinal damage after going gluten free, but that's only because you're not eating gluten. As soon as you start, all that damage will come back...and "once again", you will have celiac!

2. Now, let's discuss "cure" number two: keeping or adding a little gluten back into your diet so that your body can slowly become more tolerant of it. This is a practice called oral immunotherapy, and it's becoming a more common treatment for people with food allergies. You can also read here about how injectable immunotherapy may be helpful for people with celiac disease in the (likely far) future. However, it is important to keep in mind that celiac disease is NOT the same thing as a food allergy, and exposing someone with celiac disease to low doses of gluten will not "improve their tolerance" of it. 3. And finally, the infamous, "Oh, I bet you'll grow out of it!" Beep. Wrong answer! When you're diagnosed with celiac disease, you have it for life. But maybe the friends or coworkers talking about how their aunt or cousin magically "healed" their celiac disease credits a different technique.

You know...something a little more alternative-medicine-like.

Here are just a couple of real-life suggestions people have gotten on how to cure their celiac disease:

"Heal your gut." Yes, working on creating a happy gut by eating probiotic-rich foods, avoiding foods that mess with your body, etc. may help you feel better in the long run...but it won't let you just magically go back to eating Papa John's pizza.

Use a detoxing diet protocol or product line...and I'm not gonna name any names, but if you've ever been in a Facebook group related to eating gluten free, you've probably seen at least a few posts talking about the latest miracle pill or juice line.

Do a parasite cleanse.

Clear up the yeast infection that caused celiac disease in the first place. Now, there are studies linking yeast infections or fungal infections and celiac disease, and some even suggest yeast overgrowth could be the trigger to celiac disease or the reason why some people with celiac disease don't feel 100% even after going gluten free. But the only site I found saying clearing up a yeast infection "fixed" someone with celiac was selling a yeast cleanse product...and repeatedly used "celiac" and "gluten intolerance" to mean the same thing. Sooo...do with that what you will.

Try Chinese acupuncture to "reset" your immune system. People in the comments did report their seasonal allergies had improved via acupuncture...but from what I've seen, no celiacs have yet been cured via needles.

And now, drum roll please....we get to the food. Currently, eating gluten free is the only science-backed treatment for celiac disease...but that doesn't keep other people from suggesting different or even more restrictive diets.

Dietary Choices That Can "Cure" Celiac Disease:

Eating gluten from Europe, since its different processing protocols or ingredients make it "safe" for people with celiac disease. Unfortunately, wheat is wheat...and all wheat, gluten and barley are dangerous for people with celiac.

That you actually just need to avoid pesticides covering food, not the food itself. I'm pretty sure pesticide-free wheat will still hurt me. And so far, one of the only studies linking pesticides with celiac disease (in a causal relationship) was later said to have made conclusions "not supported by the available scientific evidence."

Only eating organic fruits and veggies and free-range meats. Which is basically just one form of a gluten free diet, which doesn't "cure" celiac disease but does treat the symptoms.

Guzzling bone broth.

Drinking celery juice on the daily.

Eating allll the bananas. At least this celiac disease cure has history, considering that doctors first treated people with celiac disease by prescribing a banana-only diet.

Eating a plant-based diet. You can certainly eat a plant-based and gluten free diet, and you may even find eating plant-based makes you feel healthier overall...but it won't let you eat gluten again if you have celiac disease.

Avoiding GMOs.

Only eating whole wheat versus refined flours. Because whole wheat is definitely what someone who can't tolerate gluten or wheat needs to heal? Yeah, I'm lost on this one.

This is when my research really started getting fun (in a twisted sort of way, I suppose). Because the more I searched, the more weeeeird celiac disease "cures" I discovered.

We'll start off pretty tame with just three "healthy living" hacks that are often suggested to pretty much anyone with a chronic illness.

Doing yoga. I can confirm that doing hot yoga regularly will not sweat out your inability to eat gluten.

Juicing. Unfortunately, I don't believe fruits and veggies can change our genes...

Drinking hot water every morning. Apparently, this is what everyone in Cambodia suggested one celiac traveler should try...

And then there are the countless things you can buy to "fix" your digestion, your mood and, of course, your autoimmune disease. Just to name a few examples, here are some marketable celiac disease "cures" many celiacs recall being pitched:

Essential oils...because what CAN'T essential oils do these days?!?

Probiotics. Taking probiotics has definitely transformed my gut health for the better, but there is a major limit to their "healing" powers.

Chinese medicine. Again...these cure everything, right?

Digestive enzymes. Possibly helpful when at risk for cross-contamination while eating out or if you have gluten intolerance. Not helpful for de-activating your celiac gene.

Activated charcoal. Sammmme as above.

And finally, the grand finale: a bunch of celiac disease cure suggestions that I saw on my computer screen and couldn't help but think:

"This is too weird to make up."

Get pregnant and your body will "magically" fix its celiac disease. Who knew we all just needed a bun in the oven to suddenly eat wheat?

Prayer. I know this is a touchy subject, and I don't include this "cure" in this grouping as an intentional attack on anyone who believes in the power of prayer. I agree that miracles can happen...but that it's also irresponsible to suggest that people with celiac disease can or should just pray about being able to eat gluten and still put their body in harm's way...

Meditating regularly and reducing stress. Definitely beneficial in helping you cope with the stress of having an autoimmune disease. But that's about it.

Exorcism?!? Yeah...I'll just leave that one here. (And note that the person who shared this story considers the wannabe celiac "exorcist" an ex-friend. Not surprising, I'd say!).

Thinking positively.

Communion wafers that are made with gluten. As the commenter put it, "I know God loves me, but God's gluten wafer definitely doesn't."

Going to a psychologist or therapist. Celiac disease CAN have a psychological impact on the people who have it, but it's not rooted in our minds.

Waving vials of wheat near your body to "desensitize" it to gluten. A mom heard this tip from her daughter's doctor. Safe to say, they soon found a new practitioner to visit.

What I Hope You Take Away From This Post

At the end of the day, I would be ecstatic if there was a celiac disease cure...not necessarily even for me to use, but as a great option for my children, should they inherit my celiac disease.

Right now, though, there is no cure for celiac disease - just eating gluten free to treat celiac's symptoms.

I know that fact can be hard to accept, especially if you're newly diagnosed or struggling with celiac-related issues right now.

But also know this: over six years after my celiac diagnosis, I can honestly say that I'm living pretty dang happily while eating gluten free. And you can too.

So if friends or coworkers do suggest a less-than-scientific way to magically "fix" your celiac disease, I hope you can laugh off their suggestions and be grateful for everything you still can do, even while living with celiac disease.

Has someone ever told you they "cured" their celiac disease or know someone who did? I'd love to hear your stories in the comments! via Blogger https://ift.tt/2HSKFOk

#Blogger #college #celiac #gluten free #coeliac #celiacs #paleo #primal #foodporn #foodart

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lokeanrampant · 5 years ago

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So. I apparently have a trigger. It’s an ugly one and it hits hard and it returned me to a very unhealthy place. Long post and Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified ahead.

And thank you, anon, for your words. I hope you’re right.

I have recently been diagnosed with a few things and have medications which are helping, but this particular medication is having an amazing and GOOD effect on me. I am awake and aware, I don’t need to do three things at once to focus on something, I actually can focus, so much good stuff. But yes, it has an effect on my appetite. I have fantastic willpower and I generally really, really hate anything that fucks with my appetite cause that will generally lead to me not eating enough. So that’s what I’m dealing with here. I probably wasn’t eating enough, but I felt good and I was basically grazing, so I figured, okay, we’re still okay.

Only...the doc who prescribed pull that trigger fucking hard.

So the medication works for ADHD and though I have a sensory processing disorder, she can’t quite say I have ADHD. But she can put in her notes that she is prescribing it for “binge eating,” not because I have it, but because she thinks the med will help. And it has. I felt better than I had in years. So I’m on this for about a month and doing great. My therapist was THRILLED with my progress and we were going to really work hard on my BDD.

Then I had the follow-up appt. Where the doc kept harping on how well the med worked for my binge eating and controlling cravings and overeating. Like over and over and over.

Let me tell you a lil something about me.

I’m a stress-starver. It comes from my teens where I was constantly told that, being overweight and trying to lose weight, I ate too much, that I ate like a pig, eat less. This is from DOCTORS, mind you. Yes, doctors told me this. Constantly.

So I did that. I ate less. Still couldn’t lose weight. Same deal - “you eat too much.” So I ate less.

I was down to one meal a day: a sandwich. Two pieces of bread, some mayo, some chicken.

Guess what? Yep, “you eat too much.”

So I STOPPED eating. Food was the enemy. My body needed fuel, but I didn't want it and the docs assumed I ate and never stopped and kept telling me to eat less and less and less. Obviously, I was still eating too much, right? So hey, okay, I’ll eat less. Just enough to keep me standing...and sometimes, not even then. Super healthy, yo. Bodies don’t like to lose weight in Starvation Mode. But I was too fat for that and I ate too much, right? So I essentially stopped eating.

That's not binging. It's not binge/purge. It's punishment for being fat and ugly and self-harm by restricting food because I wasn't worthy of it and it was ultimately bad for me. If I had been a skinny bit, they probably would’ve diagnosed me with anorexia, but I just never presented with that low body weight or being underweight. Nope. Not me. There is now an atypical anorexia that doesn’t present the classic way, but who are not underweight after significant weight loss. And even then, I haven’t had significant weight loss in years.

So there we are - eating disorder NOS, atypical presentation that doesn’t match anorexia, bulimia, binging. It’s a much bigger diagnosis catch-all than you might realize.

It took me a long time to have a healthier relationship with food, and it's still not great, but it's okay. Ask anyone in my life and they will tell you the same, that I don't overeat. Even when I pms and actually crave a junk food? I don't binge and I normally find a healthier alternative anyway (because junk food doesn't make me feel great).

There is no secret or hidden eating. There can definitely be guilt and self-loathing for eating, especially if it's not low-carb, but it’s rare...or at least, it was. My food intake is not out of control. I almost never overeat (it doesn't feel good!). The only time I eat when I am not hungry is normally because I couldn't eat when I was hungry and then proceed to feel ill because my blood sugar has dropped. Then I have to eat. But it's not binging. It's not healthy, and it doesn't fit the major eating disorders, but it's still not binging.

Do I have major body image issues? Fuck yes. I have Body Dysmorphic Disorder. I have horrible self-image and will be sent into a major tailspin if I see photos or, gods, video. I will stop being able to look in a mirror. I have covered mirrors for days before. I will have trouble showering unless I do it with my eyes closed so I don’t have to see the hideousness of me and even then, I still have to touch it to clean it. I’m very self-critical and hate this body in which I feel trapped. But I still do things. I’m still working. I do theater. I garden. I DO THINGS. I also have an intense fear of gaining weight to be even larger than I am. Even if I know that I am not the heaviest person in the room, and I can know that, logically, even with sizes or measurements, I will still feel larger, heavier, uglier. I will feel like the largest, heaviest, ugliest person there even if I know someone is twice or more my size. My friend at work is probably a good 100+lbs heavier than I am and I just think she’s gorgeous. Her weight doesn’t matter. She’s attractive inside and out. But me? No. I”m fat because fat was taught to me as an ugly word. So I am fat, because it’s ugly. Other people aren’t fat because they aren’t ugly.

So what happens when you tell someone, who has already told you all this history about being told you’re fat because you eat too much and that you need to eat less....so YOU DID and that’s also why you stopped going to doctors because you were eating barely enough to stay standing and they still said that, so they obviously didn’t know a fucking thing, and that yet again, I apparently have NO. FUCKING. CLUE. WHAT FOOD I PUT IN MY MOUTH.

What happens when you tell someone like that that they are binging and eating too much?

Answer: I stop fucking eating.

I’m right back to being 18yo and crying because I’m hungry because food is the fucking enemy. Because apparently, even what I eat, which is definitely light for American portion sizes, but actually really fucking healthy portion sizes, is still too much.

Even though my sis has been concerned because the medication is altering my appetite to the point where I really don’t eat more than 4oz at a meal, if that...which I did when I was having extreme gallbladder pain at one point.

Even though she, several friends, and a friend/coworker know how I eat, what I eat, that I don’t overeat, that I can make a sub-in-a-tub style salad into multiple, low-carb, healthy wraps and have lunch for two or three days.

That I don’t eat or even LIKE much sugar (why the FUCK is everything so gods damned SWEET? Holy fuck.). I vastly prefer savory (spice is nice).

I don’t tend to eat breads or potatoes because they make me feel bad (bloaty, ewww...so probably a gluten intolerance? I don’t know, but I know I don’t feel well when I eat them, so hey, idea! DON’T EAT WHAT MAKES YOU FEEL BAD. Crazy AF, I know, right?).

People who know me envy the self-control and willpower that I have regarding food. They don’t realize it came out of such self-loathing and self-harm mechanisms. I’ve made it healthier. I’ve gotten better with food and in a lot of ways, that was because it didn’t really matter what I ate after a point, my weight maintained. It wasn’t the food...or it wasn’t just the food.

There’s a fuckton more at work regarding metabolism and hormones and shit that just fuck up a body. And one medication stopped the bad thoughts from auto-play 24/7 and helped reduce stress to the point I was like, fuck, is this what I am supposed to feel like? And then this new one, that helps me feel awake, aware, and focused reduced that anxiety even MORE and it’s like another layer of fog is lifted? To realize how much CONSTANT STRESS AND ANXIETY I had that was literally non-stop fight-or-flight mode? Gods, no wonder I couldn’t lose weight. My body was always prepped for disaster and wanted to keep every fucking thing. I finally felt that I could maybe make a difference and not only feel healthier, but maybe actually get healthier, be in better shape, lose weight.

But to be told that I’m still a binge eater, when I fit only the “feel guilt or shame over eating” NOW, because you brought all that shit back by telling me that I still overeat and that’s why I’m fat and hey, this med is really controlling your binging?

Dinner last night was eight...yes, 8, cashews. It took me from 9:30 to about 2:30pm today to eat a Sargento’s snack pack (cheese, cashews, raisins in this one). I had a electrolyte water (36oz or so) and am working on my second bottle (fairly normal). I went out with friends tonight and managed to slow sip a beer over about two hours as someone was buying and really wanted to buy us a drink, so hey, I got some calories in the beer. Couldn’t eat though. The thought of eating today was met with instant recoil. Food becomes the enemy once again. It becomes a hyperfixation because it's too much, too much, it's bad for you, stop eating, yes even 4oz is too much, you don't need that much. And no, I don’t weigh myself or count calories/fat/etc for the same reason - it became a hyperfixation and an emotional minefield where any little (and frequently normal) fluctuation sends me into a very bad place. If I need to do something like that, measurements are easier for me.

And that’s not a place I want to be. I worked SO HARD to not be there. I KNOW the way I eat is healthy. I know the portion sizes are good. I know how to read labels (questionable reliability, but it’s what we’ve got). I can make good food at home. I can choose fairly healthy if I’m out and about. I had made my peace with food and while we would never be great friends, we at least weren’t enemies any more.

I am trying. I am. I, oddly, have some support around me. A friend really helped tonight, but it’s a serious work-in-progress. I managed to eat about 8-10 shrimp around midnight but I couldn’t do that with someone watching. It’s back to the high school cafeteria where it literally didn’t matter what you ate, if you were fat, you weren’t supposed to eat at all. It’s feeling guilty to be seen eating because you actually have the nerve to have a body that requires sustenance and they will judge you any bite you consume. The doctor created guilt around food I hadn’t had for YEARS. Admittedly, I still don’t like work lunch/break rooms, but I just don’t care to socialize with some people and I can keep my phone charged at my desk. Win-win. And I don’t generally have a problem eating at restaurants or with friends.

My friend tonight told me that i am NOT that person I was. And I’m not. I have changed so much since then. And since I know what the doctor said is false, it’s rather like someone yelling at me because they hate my hair for being blonde when it’s black. It makes no sense and what they said isn’t real; it shouldn’t mean anything. But it’s a whammy and when you already have a predisposition to fall into self-hate and self-harm, it’s a nasty, ugly whammy that lingers. It’s an old, well-worn pattern of badness that is only comfortable because you lived it for so long, you know how it works.

I’m upset. I’m angry. I’m furious. I’m hurt.

And I don’t know how long it will take to climb out of this.

#tw: self-hate #tw: self-harm #tw: eating disorder #tw: body dysmorphia #wheeeeee #long post #personal #feel free to ignore #I just needed to vent

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kennethherrerablog · 6 years ago

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My Partner Has Celiac Disease: Here’s What it Costs Us

My partner Nick has been living with celiac disease for over a decade. At its core, the serious autoimmune disorder is an all-out intolerance of the protein gluten. Exposure to gluten can immediately lead to rashes, stomach problems, joint pain, fatigue and more; long-term symptoms could include chronic migraines, diabetes, multiple sclerosis and even cancer.

If you have been diagnosed with celiac disease, transitioning to a gluten-free lifestyle is of immediate importance. Doing so will require some changes to your spending. Here’s how living gluten-free might affect you financially.

You’ll Spend More on Groceries

Many foods that you regularly buy are already gluten-free, like produce, meat and cheese. However, a lot of other foods that might be staples in your pantry do contain gluten — and their gluten-free alternatives are outrageously expensive. Here are some common examples:

Bread

A loaf of bread at my grocery store in Ohio costs between $1 and $2. Gluten-free bread, which is crumbly and tastes like cardboard, is sold in half loaves, which retail for roughly $5 to $7. That means a full loaf of gluten-free bread can cost between $10 and $14, a 500% to 1,400% increase in price.

Pizza

Until I moved in with Nick, I lived an admittedly bachelor lifestyle, which meant frozen pizzas for dinner multiple times a week. While Nick cooks nice dinners for me now — salmon, homemade soup, lasagna, you name it — I still rely on frozen pizzas the nights I need to feed myself.

You can get a regular frozen pizza of decent quality for $5 (though in my college days, I always bought the pizzas that were under $3). The cheapest gluten-free pizza I can find is Kroger’s $6 option, which does the trick, but the some of the best exceed $10 and are often smaller and contain fewer ingredients than comparable pizzas that aren’t gluten-free.

Pasta

A box of gluten-free pasta can cost between $2 and $3, which is more than the $1 I used to spend on regular fettuccine and spaghetti.

Desserts

If you have a sweet tooth and love to bake cookies and cakes, expect to pay a considerably higher price for mixes. Gluten-free cookie dough, for example, costs nearly $6 and makes the same amount of cookies you’d get from a $2 roll of regular dough.

You can also make desserts from scratch, but gluten-free flour is — you guessed it — more expensive than regular flour.

Alcohol

If you are used to buying cheap domestic beer and now find yourself switching to hard cider to satisfy your gluten-free needs, expect to join the world of craft beer prices, even for mass-market ciders. A 12 pack of Angry Orchard costs roughly $18 — about the same price you’d pay for a 24 pack of Bud Lite.

And Keep an Eye Out

Living with celiac disease means always reading the ingredients. Everything from soups to pecans to chips to pudding could contain gluten, even if it is just potential traces of wheat from other products manufactured at the same location. These gluten-free apps make the shopping experience much easier.

You’ll Save on Entertainment Expenses

Dining out at restaurants is becoming easier for people with celiac, but that also depends on your level of sensitivity. Nick, for example, used to be able to eat at restaurants that had gluten-free menu items and dedicated gluten-free spaces in the kitchen, but in the last year, his symptoms have worsened from cross-contamination, and we no longer dine out.

Regardless of the severity of your celiac, you will likely dine out less. Restaurants that cater safely to people with celiac are few and far between. There are just three restaurants in my home state of Ohio that are 100% gluten-free, and only one is within driving distance. That means Nick and I dine at home for every meal. The savings have been tremendous.

But restaurants are not the only entertainment expenses we’ve cut out. Because celiac is an autoimmune disorder that makes Nick a less healthy person in general, we take our physical health very seriously. That means we spend our date nights staying active — hiking, biking, swimming and kayaking for the most part.

If you have been diagnosed with celiac, I would challenge you to make these kinds of activities a regular part of your life. They are great for your health and are free alternatives to activities like bowling, going to the movies or drinking at the bar.

You’ll Have More Medical Expenses

Celiac is a medical condition, which could mean more trips to the doctor. Because of Nick’s weakened immune system, he has been to the emergency room for illnesses that I sometimes wouldn’t even go to the regular doctor for. (He once passed out in an ER waiting room when he was there with strep, which was one of the most frightening moments of my life.)

Thankfully, we have good health insurance that covers many of Nick’s medical expenses. What isn’t covered, however, is Nick’s lost time. If you have celiac disease, you will likely need to call off work more frequently than your coworkers, which could mean lost wages or eventually an employer that passes you up for raises and promotions. Nick, who runs his own small business, takes a hard hit financially when he is bedridden from the chronic migraines that accompany celiac or just from accidental contamination.

If you have just been diagnosed with celiac and have a good relationship with your boss, start a conversation about what it means for your health. Educating your boss on the struggles you are facing could make them more understandable and flexible with your schedule.

You’ll Need to Invest in New Appliances

Nick’s sensitivity to gluten is severe. For example, he can become sick by using a fork that has been washed but has been previously used to eat a food with gluten. While that is on the extreme side, most people with celiac should not use toasters, microwaves or even ovens that have had gluten in them. That, unfortunately, means packing your own meals when visiting friends and family.

When Nick and I moved in together, I had to get rid of all my cookware and appliances, and we purchased new appliances together. We also had to invest in new kitchen staples, like spices and baking essentials, that hadn’t been contaminated. Even when we bought a house last year, we had to get rid of the previous owners’ refrigerator, oven, microwave and dishwasher in favor of gluten-free appliances.

While these are investments anyone would make over time, having to pay for all these things at once can be daunting. But if you have just been diagnosed with celiac, it is the best way to ensure your good health.

You’ll Become an Expert Budgeter

Does Nick love living with celiac? Not at all. At least three times a week, he tells me he’s been dreaming about ordering one of everything from Taco Bell.

But have there been upsides to it? You betcha. Nick and I are more focused on our physical health, both in terms of staying fit and actively considering what we are putting into our bodies. We also have a killer excuse when people ask us to go grab a bite to eat and we’d rather stay home and watch Hulu.

But most importantly, Nick’s celiac diagnosis has forced us to be budget-conscious. We talk about our expenses and savings goals together and understand the importance of sticking to our budget. While I’ve always been a strict budgeter, understanding the heightened grocery bills and the need for emergency medical savings has helped Nick budget along with me.

Celiac doesn’t have to be a death sentence on your finances. Just budget wisely and, above all else, prioritize your health in your spending habits.

Timothy Moore is a market research editor and freelance writer covering topics on personal finance, careers, education, pet care and automotive. He has worked in the field since 2012 and has been featured on sites like The Penny Hoarder, Debt.com, Ladders, Glassdoor and The News Wheel.

This was originally published on The Penny Hoarder, which helps millions of readers worldwide earn and save money by sharing unique job opportunities, personal stories, freebies and more. The Inc. 5000 ranked The Penny Hoarder as the fastest-growing private media company in the U.S. in 2017.

The Penny Hoarder Promise: We provide accurate, reliable information. Here’s why you can trust us and how we make money.

My Partner Has Celiac Disease: Here’s What it Costs Us published first on https://justinbetreviews.tumblr.com/

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hungrybunni · 6 years ago

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When Cake Betrays

Had some cake today.

Well, I thought it was cake.

Actually I knew it wasn’t real going in. Never mind, let me tell you the story:

I have a coworker who is vegan...or vegetarian (one of those) which is pretty much the opposite of myself, but our other coworkers are very kind and brought her in some special cake.

Hold on I wrote the name down...it’s...Flax 4 Life Gluten Free Dairy Free Chocolate Cake (IS it cake anymore at this point? What is the definition of cake, exactly?). It’s NEW and I heard it came from Sprouts. It didn’t have frosting on it but rather chocolate shavings.

Back story: I went to the cake owner and inquired about it, and my OTHER coworker, who knows how I feel about all things vegan/”free”, whipped her head around so fast to see my reaction I thought her neck would snap.

I only narrowed my eyes, so she was probably disappointed. Sorry :D

Anyhow, I basically took a forkful wedge off this cake and put it on a plate, alongside with some not-cheese cheesecake (I’ll get to that in a minute), and took a small bite.

A little dry, but I grew up eating dryish chocolate cake, so no big deal. Consistency a little chewy, texture a tad bit grainy, hard to describe. In small bites, not half bad. My coworker was watching from the sidelines at my reaction, but honestly it wasn’t that bad. Until...

I drank some water.

WHAT???

Water is from NATURE. It’s the most “free” food out there. So good for you. Water. Pure. WATER. LIQUID AIR. WA TER. I can’t stress this enough. I drank some water after my bite and oh no. It tasted so bad. Bitter and weird. Probably how flax tastes in the wild. So so bad. Thankfully I had only taken about 2 bites worth of cake to start with so I wasn’t wasting any. I ate the chocolate shavings left on the plate. Definitely the best part. Cake: C. Shavings: A+.

Then I moved onto the not-cheese cheesecake. This one had no label so it could’ve been anything. I had it described to me as “not very cheesy, made with coconut oil which is sweet anyway, more like a chocolate mousse”. Great! I love coconuts and chocolate! Sign me up!

Also, I confess, I don’t like cheesecake. It is really too rich for me and has about 1000 calories per bite. No no I’m not a healthy person, I love calories. Calories = flavor. But I would rather eat 1000 calories of chocolate lava cake or steak. I also don’t really like cream cheese in large quantities so there’s that.

All right. I was ready. The chocolate coconut mousse dream train awaited me. I had about an inch-wide piece of this ready to go. Looked great. Even had a small chocolate crust on the bottom. I put it in my mouth.

Oh no no no. No.

It had a consistency of peanut butter but less sticky. My coworker got her money’s worth on my reaction then, because I probably looked like one of those dogs with PB stuck to the roof of their mouth. Just smacking away, my face increasingly disturbed. VERY cream cheesy, no coconut, I was so horrified I couldn’t even taste the chocolate. The rest of the piece went directly into the trash, do not pass GO, do not collect $200. Grade: F

At least I could drink my water without it messing up the taste!

To get over my trauma, ANOTHER coworker gave me a full fat, full chocolate, full gluten graham, melty s’more. Which ended up all over my face. Thank you <3

In related news, my great-aunt made my husband, who is gluten intolerant, a “free cake”. I don’t know the exact free-ness, but I’m pretty sure it had no dairy, no eggs, no sugar, no gluten. And it was DELICIOUS!!! ANND it had frosting. So there.

#cake betrayal chocolate free sadness

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